Viktorya: I am excited about the positive feedback you have received since your first book. I will admit, the second book It’s the Woman You Gave Me, was not what I had expected. I really thought that it would be something along the lines of honoring your wife in all ways, including taking responsibility verses blaming everything on her. Please give us an outline of your book It’s the Woman You Gave Me.
Shon: “It’s the woman you gave me” is about getting past blaming others for where we are currently in life if we are in a bad situation. The book focus on our (and mine) childhood, single parenting, blaming our spouses and past situations.
After sin occurred in the garden and Adam ate the fruit, God asked Adam “what happened?” and the first thing Adam says is “It’s the woman you gave me” and since Adam made that statement (eve also blames the snake; ladies I have not forgot about you) the blame game has stayed on our tongues since.
Viktorya: Before diving into the heart of this book, I wanted to ask about the poems you included. Being a poet myself, I was especially intrigued with these. Please tell us why you included them and what makes the two poets special to you.
Shon: I added poems to the book to take a different approach to writing books. That will be the format with every book I write. An opening poem and a closing poem. Well, the first poem (the intro) is my son and the closing poem is my younger sister. They are both talented in the area of poetry.
Viktorya: Your testimony caught my attention like nothing else. Please shorten it and give us highlights of what brought you to God.
Shon: What brought me to God were a broken heart of a past relationship and the repeated cycle of women, drugs, alcohol and partying. It took me to depression so I called out to God.
Viktorya: You mentioned in your book “It’s the Woman You Gave Me”, how “music creates a powerful atmosphere in which the human soul can be inspired to act in ways it wouldn’t otherwise”. This is a very profound statement. It is very true. Music is extremely powerful both in a negative and positive way. Can you elaborate on the influence of music?
Shon: Music is a very powerful tool. For example when exercising , listening to a song that gets you excited makes you want to go the extra mile. If you are listening to music with sexual content, guess what you are going to think about…sex. Music should be monitored around children and pre teens because they will listen to anything as long as the beat is good regardless of the content of the song.
Viktorya: I like how you talked about a child seeing his mother being abused will grow up to think its normal until he is otherwise taught. Please elaborate on a man’s God given role in regards to respecting the women in his life.
Shon: When a man don’t know how to respect a woman, it’s because his parents did not teach him respect growing up; and the classic example: when the child grows up in a single parent home and the child sees mom or dad sleep around a lot and the child grows up thinking this type of behavior is “normal.”
Viktorya: What would you say to a man who was abused as a child and wants to make a change to better himself? Give him some words of wisdom.
Shon: Learn to forgive the one who abused him. If he harbors the heart, he will only damage the one’s he love. He has to accept the love of Jesus to change and move past the hurt that has happened to him.
Viktorya: Since I am more intrigued with relationships in regards to marriage, than any other, please tell us how a man who was abused can accept love from his wife and children. Please tell us how he can show it. What are the steps or the process?
Shon: He can accept their love by letting his wife and children love him unconditionally and let his wife show him her affection and respect. He can show love to his wife and kids by not letting the past abuse that happened to him regurgitate in his marriage and break that generational curse of abuse.
Viktorya: Being a single mom of two boys who don’t have a male role model (including their father) in their life, what advice could you give me in regards to loving them so they can grow up to be affectionate husbands and dads.
Shon: Get them involved in church programs for young men or get them involved in sports. Make sure that they see some positive men in their lives. Also, always tell them “mommy loves you” and give them plenty of kisses and hugs.
Viktorya: I love your statement “After all, real women want their husbands to be leaders.” Thanks for being a man who agrees with me. Now please elaborate on this.
Shon: A woman wants her man to lead. Not to abuse his authority over his wife and kids. I believe women want him to have a plan for his family and their future. Not to just work every day and hope something happens.
Viktorya: What is the best advice that you can give to today’s modern society dad? Speaking of the dad who thinks he has to keep up with the Jones’ and maintain a Godly home.
Shon: To tell today’s dad to get a vision for him and his family. With the economy and jobs that are scarce, he needs to map out a plan and follow through with the vision.
Viktorya: We hear enough about single mom’s raising kids. There are single dads who have raised theirs as well. I have an uncle in Michigan who raised my cousin since he was born. He is now 19. I have another uncle here in Louisiana who raised his three kids for the past five years, since their mom died. What advice can you give single dads in regards to showing affection to their children?
Shon: Men can show affection to their children by hugging and kissing their children. I shower my daughter with hugs and kisses so when she is older, she will be secure and not have to look for love in all the wrong places.
Viktorya: It was nice to learn that fathers are more involved with their children now than they were in the past, according to Michael Kimmel in Manhood of America: A Cultural History. Please give us examples of this.
Shon: I see numerous single dad’s at my church that raise their children on their own. Too bad these dad’s don’t get the credit they deserve.
Viktorya: Since I want to make this a three part interview and leave this with the emphasis on “the man He gave us”, please tell us what God given role a man must have in order to maintain a prosperous household full of love for his family.
Shon: He must show unconditional love to his wife consistently. When she knows she is loved by him, she will help make her household prosperous.
Please follow this link to get to know Shon and Londina Hyneman better.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Discussion with Author Dan Hays About Healing that Inner Child
Viktorya: Hi Dan, this is going to be more like a discussion between you and I. From there I will want to do another separate interview with you covering your work. Is that alright?
Dan: Sounds great! I like that way of doing it. I'm going to just put down my answers as if this were a live radio interview - I think it will help me be candid. The point being - I won't be going through and "editing" my answers.
Viktorya: I am divorced with three children. I currently attend Kaplan University to obtain my Associates in IT. I am an active member of my church and I own my own cleaning business to add to my writing adventures.
Can you tell us about yourself? Do you have children? Are you married?
Dan: I am single, never have married. I knew fairly early I wasn't going to have kids, even before I got into recovery issues. I just intuitively knew I was carrying a time bomb, and didn't want to pass it on. A number of my friends thought that was silly, because in many ways I would be a great parent, but I just knew until I figured out what I was so angry about, I didn't need to be trying to raise kids.
Viktorya: How about Little Danny (your inner child). What is he about? Can you characterize him a little?
Dan: Little Danny is my intuition, my soul, my creative side. He is a vulnerable little boy of 8 or 14 depending on the circumstances. Sometimes I let people see him, or sometimes I will smile and people will see him, but much of the time he is hidden except for my closest friends. He is very gifted, bright and witty. I think my poetry comes out of him. I think he's also the source of my intuition, and has great radar! I ignore him sometimes, and it's to my own detriment! J
Viktorya: That is very interesting as I can definitely relate. My inner child is loving, forgiving but gets angry and furious, easily. She also thinks that she can save the world.
Dan: Yes, I understand the save the world part. It is upsetting sometimes when you can't!
Viktorya: It sure is and can be so frustrating. In what ways does Little Danny upset the man you are today?
Dan: Now that's an excellent question! I once heard someone comment something like this "I hear a lot of people talk about how wonderful it is to get in touch with your inner child and heal them, but I just need to say there's another side of it for me - my inner child can get me into a lot of trouble." That's true for me. When Little Danny reacts like a frightened or angry 8 year old in a setting which requires an adult, it can be very destructive.
Also, I have discovered that my inner child thinks his job is to keep me safe from things he learned to fear as a child. So he will hold me back from doing "dangerous" things. One of the things I was uncovering in the '80s was that I would sabotage success. I walked away from jobs just as I reached a plateau of success, and didn't know what that was about. I discovered that through the violence with my Dad, the message was "if you succeed, it is dangerous. If you succeed, you will die." So Little Danny held me back. I've had to work with him to have him let go of those old roles.
Viktorya: Wow, that is insightful as I can relate to that in many ways. After being torn down by people that I loved, it was difficult for my inner child to trust similar situations. Like close relationships, etc. My inner child upsets me because I get stressed when I can't change a situation that she believes she can. For instance, when a child is hurting and there is absolutely nothing she can do about it, it stresses me out and sometimes becomes oppressing.
Dan: Yes, the inner child sees things very clearly, and I can see how yours would ache over hurting children when there's nothing that can be done about it! It's painful to watch! I have that with one of my nephews when I see him being self-sabotaging, and committed to being that way, and I can't change him. It is very difficult!
Viktorya: Are you wanting to keep Little Danny from interfering in your current life or do you want him to be a part of it somehow? Please elaborate on this.
Dan: As I just mentioned, when Little Danny holds me back, I want to keep that from happening, mostly by letting him know that I, adult Dan, will take care of him, keep him safe, and no longer need for him to do those things he did before to keep us safe. But here's the balance - Little Danny was abandoned as a child, and I as an adult abandoned him a lot by not listening to him when he would try to communicate that he was afraid.
I think that's when I would see the rebellious side of him the most - when he was kicking and screaming trying to get my attention. So what I have been trying to do is let him "retire" from those old things he used to do, but not abandon him and keep him as an honored part of who I am. Let him be free to be that intuitive, creative soul that is such a precious part of me!
Viktorya: For me, I find my inner child very loving. She definitely has the love of Christ and is very much Christ-like. I believe He wants us to be like that. However, I am trying to keep her from thinking she can change every situation or becoming She-Ra and save the world.
I am trying to convince her that not only can she not change certain situations or even save the world, she shouldn't become angry about it. By her being like this, it affects my family and I both, It can be very stressful.
Dan: I hear what you're saying! That's the other side of the inner child that I think we need to parent as we weren't successfully parented - to not give in to their every action!
Childhood trauma is not fun at all. The healing process can take years. However, for a lot of us it only takes this long because we don't know how to deal with it. It has taken you 50 years and me only about 15.
It does take a long time! Actually, on the issues that I have been working on recently, it hasn't taken that long. I have been carrying those issues around for 50 years, but for 45 of those years, the trauma was buried and I didn't even know it was there. It was only about 5 years ago that I started working on the trauma from my grandmother when I was 8 years old. I had resolved the violence with my Dad by the early '90s, and lived a fairly non-dramatic life for quite awhile in there.
Viktorya: Please tell us about your path to healing your inner child. What triggered the healing process and how are you continuing the process?
It was really in two segments. The first, in the late '80s and early '90s, was resolving the issues around my Dad. I just started seeing a lot of impact in my life that I finally narrowed down to Dad, and which actually are described in the book I published, "Freedom's Just Another Word." I had worked with a mentor in a 12 step program specifically for people who grew up in an alcoholic family, who showed me how to do exercises first to find my inner child - he was hidden in a corner of the room at that time, and didn't feel safe. Then to begin to honor, work with and heal my inner child. I just got better at doing over time.
The next part started when I was living out in Albuquerque, and in 2003 a therapist I was working with said I had something buried really deeply within me. As I started exploring that, my trauma around Grandma came to the surface. The message there was if you grow up and are a famous writer, you'll go crazy and I can have you committed to an insane asylum. Then she reinforced the messages in hideous ways. I've been working through those messages for the last several years. Interestingly, the process of writing and publishing the book forced those issues into the light where I could deal with them.
A lot of inner child work involved. As a matter of fact, that will be the topic of my next book," And Then I Stop", about a writer's block I had that resulted from Grandma! I've done some amazing inner child work this past summer, and powerful healing has resulted from it. I've got that next book laid out now, because I just finished living through the events at the end of that book.
Viktorya: I thought that when I first came to the Lord my inner child would be healed entirely. She was in a lot of ways and it happened when I forgave those who hurt me. Not to mention, it helped with really knowing my real mom and my dad on another level. Also, a big change began taking place a couple years ago when my mom (step mom) and I began understanding one another better and rebuilding our relationship.
Dan: That is wonderful that you have been rebuilding those relationships! Yes, I think it's sometimes confusing because we think as Christians we should be completely healed, and there are still those wounds that need to be dealt with.
Viktorya: My inner child gets hurt and furious when she sees others hurting or in similar situations as she was in. She has a need to protect every child and nothing will stand in her way. Even while writing this, there are a million things running through my mind about children hurting. It's like a compulsion. She has this uncontrollable urge to rescue everyone from heartache. Then she begins making me feel like a child again and flashbacks of my past begin to surface and it affects her.
Dan: I understand about the flashbacks. I had those a lot, and they were very disturbing when I couldn't connect them to today. They've eased dramatically as I have worked through the events with the help of great therapists, so that they don't intrude as much in daily life.
Viktorya: What affects Little Danny in similar instances? What ways have you helped Little Danny with them?
Dan: I think what has affected Little Danny is feeling unsafe - when he sees me in situations where he doesn't feel safe, I've had to reassure him I will keep him safe, but also that I will show him and help him heal so he doesn't have to live out those old wounds again and again.
Viktorya: Getting to the roots of these past hurts and talking about them has always helped me. When I saw a counselor as a child, we would do activities to somehow erase these people from my life. That really helped. Can you give us details of your childhood traumas and I will do the same?
Dan: Interesting you mention those activities to erase those people from your life. I just posted a blog entry about a healing exercise I did this summer, where I walked Little Danny out of Grandma's house, and then had the house bulldozed, like Forrest Gump did to Jennie's house in the movie. It was a very powerful way of letting Little Danny know he didn't have to live inside that house, or under those messages, any more!
My traumas were really in two groups. Until I was 11, my Dad was very supportive, but then he turned away from me, and as his drinking got worse, started taking out his frustrations on me. He was first verbally abusive, later physically abusive. It culminated at age 17 when he threatened to kill me with a hunting rifle, and I walked out of the room expecting at any moment to be shot. Then spending the rest of the night waiting for him to come to my room and finish the job. This was at the end of his drinking, and he sobered up not long afterward. I am convinced he was in a blackout when that happened, and never remembered it.
The second area, as I mentioned, was with my Grandma at age 8. She said if I grew up and was a famous writer, they would call me crazy and lock me up. She was a nurse, and told me that she had checked with the doctor she worked for, and he had said he could have me committed to an insane asylum. Shortly after that, Grandma shut me up in a closet late at night to show me what it would be like to be in an insane asylum.
**It is significant to me that as bad as the damage with my Dad was, the Grandma stuff only came to the surface 17 years after I worked on the issues with my Dad. In many ways, I think what she did was more damaging, and that's why it was more deeply buried. As a therapist said this spring, "You know, don't you, that as an 8 year old, you never had a chance to see the insanity of what she was saying to you. You couldn't rationally counter those messages."
Viktorya: My childhood traumas were at ages 5, 8, 10, 14 and 16. It really got worse and almost became a way of life during my 11 year relationship with my ex husband.
I was molested at the age of about 5 or 6 by a friend of my mother. There was another trauma that kept me in fear for many years. Here is a link to that story Unknown? When I was about 8, I was molested 14 times by my mother's boyfriend at that time. I also looked up to him as a dad. My dad was absent a lot overseas trying to provide for us. This same boyfriend threatened to kill me if I told anyone. I lived in fear for a year before I told my dad about it.
Dan: Oh that is horrible! I can't imagine how unsafe you felt with that going on. I can't say I relate - I don't think a man can, as to how damaging that type of violation is. And of course, the threat of death if you expose their abuse is so, so debilitating!
Viktorya: My parents divorced when I was 10 and we moved with him to Germany. My baby sister moved back to the states with my real mom, a year later when my dad remarried. I didn't see her again for three years. When I was 14, I moved back with my mother and sister, leaving my dad, step mom and brother. They moved to Hawaii and I didn't see my brother for a couple years. My mother was dysfunctional with drugs and multiple boyfriends.
When I was 16, I was raped by her boyfriend. I was almost 17 when I met my ex husband who also had and has many issues. This made my inner child even worse because she tried to save him as well. Nothing I did seemed to please him. He even damaged her more with things he said and did. When she couldn't help him, she would retaliate with anger. He also controlled me in many ways.
That was a very stressful and an unfair relationship to both us and our children. My children and I are now doing a lot better, even though they never hear from their father. I do what I can to keep hurtful people out of their life. I show them as much love as I possibly can, to try and ease the pain.
Dan: I am hearing this sort of thing more and more, of women struggling with the aftereffects of sexual abuse, and how it still flavors their world. I have to say, the way you talk about it sounds like you have gotten a lot of healing - but I'm sure it's still painful to think about. I'm so sorry.
Viktorya: Thanks Dan and yes I have been healed so much by the Lord. I feel that a lot of times, we just have to encourage ourself. I pray that our discussion may somehow reach out and help someone who may be in a similar situation. It helps when we try our best to heal that inner child and keep them around for the good things in life. Everyone has an inner child and if they don't, they need to find them again. Thanks Dan, for the opportunity. I am looking forward to your interview covering your books and aspirations.
Dan: Yes, I do hope that this can be of benefit to people who are dealing with similar issues. I have seen an enormous impact as I laid my story out there through my book, when people say I've given them hope by sharing things that they've struggled with, but felt like they were the only one dealing with them. I just see this groundswell happening as these issues come out into the light where they can be resolved, and it can lead to enormous freedom.
Dan Hays Website
Dan: Sounds great! I like that way of doing it. I'm going to just put down my answers as if this were a live radio interview - I think it will help me be candid. The point being - I won't be going through and "editing" my answers.
Viktorya: I am divorced with three children. I currently attend Kaplan University to obtain my Associates in IT. I am an active member of my church and I own my own cleaning business to add to my writing adventures.
Can you tell us about yourself? Do you have children? Are you married?
Dan: I am single, never have married. I knew fairly early I wasn't going to have kids, even before I got into recovery issues. I just intuitively knew I was carrying a time bomb, and didn't want to pass it on. A number of my friends thought that was silly, because in many ways I would be a great parent, but I just knew until I figured out what I was so angry about, I didn't need to be trying to raise kids.
Viktorya: How about Little Danny (your inner child). What is he about? Can you characterize him a little?
Dan: Little Danny is my intuition, my soul, my creative side. He is a vulnerable little boy of 8 or 14 depending on the circumstances. Sometimes I let people see him, or sometimes I will smile and people will see him, but much of the time he is hidden except for my closest friends. He is very gifted, bright and witty. I think my poetry comes out of him. I think he's also the source of my intuition, and has great radar! I ignore him sometimes, and it's to my own detriment! J
Viktorya: That is very interesting as I can definitely relate. My inner child is loving, forgiving but gets angry and furious, easily. She also thinks that she can save the world.
Dan: Yes, I understand the save the world part. It is upsetting sometimes when you can't!
Viktorya: It sure is and can be so frustrating. In what ways does Little Danny upset the man you are today?
Dan: Now that's an excellent question! I once heard someone comment something like this "I hear a lot of people talk about how wonderful it is to get in touch with your inner child and heal them, but I just need to say there's another side of it for me - my inner child can get me into a lot of trouble." That's true for me. When Little Danny reacts like a frightened or angry 8 year old in a setting which requires an adult, it can be very destructive.
Also, I have discovered that my inner child thinks his job is to keep me safe from things he learned to fear as a child. So he will hold me back from doing "dangerous" things. One of the things I was uncovering in the '80s was that I would sabotage success. I walked away from jobs just as I reached a plateau of success, and didn't know what that was about. I discovered that through the violence with my Dad, the message was "if you succeed, it is dangerous. If you succeed, you will die." So Little Danny held me back. I've had to work with him to have him let go of those old roles.
Viktorya: Wow, that is insightful as I can relate to that in many ways. After being torn down by people that I loved, it was difficult for my inner child to trust similar situations. Like close relationships, etc. My inner child upsets me because I get stressed when I can't change a situation that she believes she can. For instance, when a child is hurting and there is absolutely nothing she can do about it, it stresses me out and sometimes becomes oppressing.
Dan: Yes, the inner child sees things very clearly, and I can see how yours would ache over hurting children when there's nothing that can be done about it! It's painful to watch! I have that with one of my nephews when I see him being self-sabotaging, and committed to being that way, and I can't change him. It is very difficult!
Viktorya: Are you wanting to keep Little Danny from interfering in your current life or do you want him to be a part of it somehow? Please elaborate on this.
Dan: As I just mentioned, when Little Danny holds me back, I want to keep that from happening, mostly by letting him know that I, adult Dan, will take care of him, keep him safe, and no longer need for him to do those things he did before to keep us safe. But here's the balance - Little Danny was abandoned as a child, and I as an adult abandoned him a lot by not listening to him when he would try to communicate that he was afraid.
I think that's when I would see the rebellious side of him the most - when he was kicking and screaming trying to get my attention. So what I have been trying to do is let him "retire" from those old things he used to do, but not abandon him and keep him as an honored part of who I am. Let him be free to be that intuitive, creative soul that is such a precious part of me!
Viktorya: For me, I find my inner child very loving. She definitely has the love of Christ and is very much Christ-like. I believe He wants us to be like that. However, I am trying to keep her from thinking she can change every situation or becoming She-Ra and save the world.
I am trying to convince her that not only can she not change certain situations or even save the world, she shouldn't become angry about it. By her being like this, it affects my family and I both, It can be very stressful.
Dan: I hear what you're saying! That's the other side of the inner child that I think we need to parent as we weren't successfully parented - to not give in to their every action!
Childhood trauma is not fun at all. The healing process can take years. However, for a lot of us it only takes this long because we don't know how to deal with it. It has taken you 50 years and me only about 15.
It does take a long time! Actually, on the issues that I have been working on recently, it hasn't taken that long. I have been carrying those issues around for 50 years, but for 45 of those years, the trauma was buried and I didn't even know it was there. It was only about 5 years ago that I started working on the trauma from my grandmother when I was 8 years old. I had resolved the violence with my Dad by the early '90s, and lived a fairly non-dramatic life for quite awhile in there.
Viktorya: Please tell us about your path to healing your inner child. What triggered the healing process and how are you continuing the process?
It was really in two segments. The first, in the late '80s and early '90s, was resolving the issues around my Dad. I just started seeing a lot of impact in my life that I finally narrowed down to Dad, and which actually are described in the book I published, "Freedom's Just Another Word." I had worked with a mentor in a 12 step program specifically for people who grew up in an alcoholic family, who showed me how to do exercises first to find my inner child - he was hidden in a corner of the room at that time, and didn't feel safe. Then to begin to honor, work with and heal my inner child. I just got better at doing over time.
The next part started when I was living out in Albuquerque, and in 2003 a therapist I was working with said I had something buried really deeply within me. As I started exploring that, my trauma around Grandma came to the surface. The message there was if you grow up and are a famous writer, you'll go crazy and I can have you committed to an insane asylum. Then she reinforced the messages in hideous ways. I've been working through those messages for the last several years. Interestingly, the process of writing and publishing the book forced those issues into the light where I could deal with them.
A lot of inner child work involved. As a matter of fact, that will be the topic of my next book," And Then I Stop", about a writer's block I had that resulted from Grandma! I've done some amazing inner child work this past summer, and powerful healing has resulted from it. I've got that next book laid out now, because I just finished living through the events at the end of that book.
Viktorya: I thought that when I first came to the Lord my inner child would be healed entirely. She was in a lot of ways and it happened when I forgave those who hurt me. Not to mention, it helped with really knowing my real mom and my dad on another level. Also, a big change began taking place a couple years ago when my mom (step mom) and I began understanding one another better and rebuilding our relationship.
Dan: That is wonderful that you have been rebuilding those relationships! Yes, I think it's sometimes confusing because we think as Christians we should be completely healed, and there are still those wounds that need to be dealt with.
Viktorya: My inner child gets hurt and furious when she sees others hurting or in similar situations as she was in. She has a need to protect every child and nothing will stand in her way. Even while writing this, there are a million things running through my mind about children hurting. It's like a compulsion. She has this uncontrollable urge to rescue everyone from heartache. Then she begins making me feel like a child again and flashbacks of my past begin to surface and it affects her.
Dan: I understand about the flashbacks. I had those a lot, and they were very disturbing when I couldn't connect them to today. They've eased dramatically as I have worked through the events with the help of great therapists, so that they don't intrude as much in daily life.
Viktorya: What affects Little Danny in similar instances? What ways have you helped Little Danny with them?
Dan: I think what has affected Little Danny is feeling unsafe - when he sees me in situations where he doesn't feel safe, I've had to reassure him I will keep him safe, but also that I will show him and help him heal so he doesn't have to live out those old wounds again and again.
Viktorya: Getting to the roots of these past hurts and talking about them has always helped me. When I saw a counselor as a child, we would do activities to somehow erase these people from my life. That really helped. Can you give us details of your childhood traumas and I will do the same?
Dan: Interesting you mention those activities to erase those people from your life. I just posted a blog entry about a healing exercise I did this summer, where I walked Little Danny out of Grandma's house, and then had the house bulldozed, like Forrest Gump did to Jennie's house in the movie. It was a very powerful way of letting Little Danny know he didn't have to live inside that house, or under those messages, any more!
My traumas were really in two groups. Until I was 11, my Dad was very supportive, but then he turned away from me, and as his drinking got worse, started taking out his frustrations on me. He was first verbally abusive, later physically abusive. It culminated at age 17 when he threatened to kill me with a hunting rifle, and I walked out of the room expecting at any moment to be shot. Then spending the rest of the night waiting for him to come to my room and finish the job. This was at the end of his drinking, and he sobered up not long afterward. I am convinced he was in a blackout when that happened, and never remembered it.
The second area, as I mentioned, was with my Grandma at age 8. She said if I grew up and was a famous writer, they would call me crazy and lock me up. She was a nurse, and told me that she had checked with the doctor she worked for, and he had said he could have me committed to an insane asylum. Shortly after that, Grandma shut me up in a closet late at night to show me what it would be like to be in an insane asylum.
**It is significant to me that as bad as the damage with my Dad was, the Grandma stuff only came to the surface 17 years after I worked on the issues with my Dad. In many ways, I think what she did was more damaging, and that's why it was more deeply buried. As a therapist said this spring, "You know, don't you, that as an 8 year old, you never had a chance to see the insanity of what she was saying to you. You couldn't rationally counter those messages."
Viktorya: My childhood traumas were at ages 5, 8, 10, 14 and 16. It really got worse and almost became a way of life during my 11 year relationship with my ex husband.
I was molested at the age of about 5 or 6 by a friend of my mother. There was another trauma that kept me in fear for many years. Here is a link to that story Unknown? When I was about 8, I was molested 14 times by my mother's boyfriend at that time. I also looked up to him as a dad. My dad was absent a lot overseas trying to provide for us. This same boyfriend threatened to kill me if I told anyone. I lived in fear for a year before I told my dad about it.
Dan: Oh that is horrible! I can't imagine how unsafe you felt with that going on. I can't say I relate - I don't think a man can, as to how damaging that type of violation is. And of course, the threat of death if you expose their abuse is so, so debilitating!
Viktorya: My parents divorced when I was 10 and we moved with him to Germany. My baby sister moved back to the states with my real mom, a year later when my dad remarried. I didn't see her again for three years. When I was 14, I moved back with my mother and sister, leaving my dad, step mom and brother. They moved to Hawaii and I didn't see my brother for a couple years. My mother was dysfunctional with drugs and multiple boyfriends.
When I was 16, I was raped by her boyfriend. I was almost 17 when I met my ex husband who also had and has many issues. This made my inner child even worse because she tried to save him as well. Nothing I did seemed to please him. He even damaged her more with things he said and did. When she couldn't help him, she would retaliate with anger. He also controlled me in many ways.
That was a very stressful and an unfair relationship to both us and our children. My children and I are now doing a lot better, even though they never hear from their father. I do what I can to keep hurtful people out of their life. I show them as much love as I possibly can, to try and ease the pain.
Dan: I am hearing this sort of thing more and more, of women struggling with the aftereffects of sexual abuse, and how it still flavors their world. I have to say, the way you talk about it sounds like you have gotten a lot of healing - but I'm sure it's still painful to think about. I'm so sorry.
Viktorya: Thanks Dan and yes I have been healed so much by the Lord. I feel that a lot of times, we just have to encourage ourself. I pray that our discussion may somehow reach out and help someone who may be in a similar situation. It helps when we try our best to heal that inner child and keep them around for the good things in life. Everyone has an inner child and if they don't, they need to find them again. Thanks Dan, for the opportunity. I am looking forward to your interview covering your books and aspirations.
Dan: Yes, I do hope that this can be of benefit to people who are dealing with similar issues. I have seen an enormous impact as I laid my story out there through my book, when people say I've given them hope by sharing things that they've struggled with, but felt like they were the only one dealing with them. I just see this groundswell happening as these issues come out into the light where they can be resolved, and it can lead to enormous freedom.
Dan Hays Website
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Out of the Miry Clay with Linda Fossen Part:1
Viktorya:
When I first approached you with the desire to do an interview, I simply felt that because you were a Christian author, you fit into my interest of people to interview. I just started doing interviews for Christian book writers. Your story is heart wrenching and truly an example of not only the Lord bringing someone out of the miry clay, but also placing them on the Potter’s wheel and perfecting a beautiful person both inside and out. I want to first thank you for your courage to make a difference in the lives of innocent children and sharing your most intimate aspects of your life to the entire world. It’s not an easy task but will always make us stronger!
I want to make this a conversational type of interview, if you don’t mind. I have learned so much about my own life and situations that I simply can’t just ask you questions. We have so much in common, that I know we can reach out in hope together, by just sharing our conversation.
Out of the Miry Clay is a must read book for any minister, pastor, teenager and quite frankly anyone who has been sexually abused. It depicts not only the horrific terror of childhood sexual abuse, but the unfailing love of the one true God, Jesus Christ.
The things that you had to endure by your own father, who was not only suppose to be a Christian man, but a pastor to God’s flock, is unimagineable. You have brought light into the dark world of deceit and shedding of innocent blood. I, myself hold no animosity towards Charles Phelps, but I am surely not going to sugar coat any of his sins towards you. One can only hope and pray that he truly repents before it is too late, because no one can fix him, but Jesus Christ.
In the first few chapters of Out of the Miry Clay you painted a picture of a seemingly normal family. Your mother was distant but a dutiful wife and mother. Your dad was a worker and appeared to be all he portrayed. Can you give the readers a little insight on your home life between the first time you were sexually abused by your dad at the age of 3 to the first time he raped you at the age of 8?
Linda:
I think one of the things that most people do not understand is that abuse occurs in seemingly very normal families – at least on the outside. My family looked like the perfect family on the outside but inside it was a totally different thing. I was born in a small farming community in southern Minnesota near the Iowa border. My first introduction to sexual abuse came when I was three years old. My father was recovering from back surgery and made up some games for us to play. I thought all little girls played these games with their daddies.
I had no earthly idea that I was being abused. In fact, I didn’t know what sexual abuse was, nor could I sell the words. All I knew is that I loved my daddy and wanted more than anything in the world for him to love me. I was always a daddy’s girl. I never bonded with my mother - she was just in shutdown mode from my earliest memories of her. But I was a daddy’s girl to the core.
The abuse started out seemingly so innocently, first as fondling and then it progressed to more and more perversion. When I was six years old, our whole family gave their hearts to Jesus. Sadly the abuse was to continue for many more years. At the age of eight, I was introduced to sexual intercourse. I had been groomed for years for this – it was just the next step in the years of abuse that I was to endure.
Viktorya:
My dad never sexually abused me, but it had always been the men that my mother brought into our lives. My dad always worked off for the military and their marriage was not the best. When you mentioned in your book about feeling you had to be the one to emotionally love and be affectionate towards your dad, it struck a chord with me. I can relate to this feeling. I guess it is a feeling of manipulation made by the abuser to make us feel bad if we aren’t showing them “love”. It is almost like they (or the act of abuse itself) make you feel inferior and pity towards them. I believe that it can also be considered a control tactic.
I felt that way a lot in the marriage to my ex husband. Can you elaborate a little on that feeling? I believe that most all woman and children who have been sexually abused feel or has felt this way, but can’t quite get in into words to make others understand. In fact this feeling alone has allowed Satan to condemn me so much, he made me feel like a whore. I also noticed how you explained it as feeling like playing the mother/daughter role. Please talk about this.
Linda:
In any dysfunctional family, each member of the family has a role to play. Dysfunction doesn’t occur in a vacuum, there is an elaborate plan set in place to make sure the dysfunction continues. In my family, I was the cheerleader. I was the one who made sure that everyone else in the family was doing their job. The goal was to make sure my father was happy.
I thought that if I could control my siblings, then somehow I could control the abuse, but it never works that way. My parents did not like each other at all. They did not fight with angry words or yelling matches. It was just a silent war that went on between them.
My mom was very much into housework and cooking but she did not do much of anything to be emotionally there for my father. She was just shutdown. She did not have to tell me but I got the message loud and clear that I was supposed to take care of my dad. It was my job. Whenever my father wanted to run errands or go to lunch, she would often send me telling me “you and your father are just alike – two peas in a pod. Go with your father.”
So in a very real way I was the emotional spouse for my father. I was the one who talked to him, went with him places and was his friend. In short, I was the one who was responsible to make him happy. My father used this to his advantage because he had a way of making me feel sorry for him. Even though he was abusing me, I often pitied him for his loveless marriage. My father was exceptionally good at manipulating me and he often made me feel that the only time I was being loved was when I was being abused.
There was no difference between love and sex. In my mind, they were the same. But they are not the same. Any abuser is a manipulator – that is how they continue to abuse. They become very calculated and everything they do or say is for one goal – to control the child to the point where they will willingly submit to your every wish. My father took great pains to make sure that I would “enjoy” the abuse – he treated me more like a mistress than a daughter.
It was extremely confusing. In time, my father completely controlled me – I was a slave to him. Because as a child I did not have the capacity to understand that he was evil, I did the next best thing and blamed myself for being evil. I thought it was all my fault.
Viktorya:
Another thing that I noticed is all throughout your book and as your story progressed from childhood to adulthood, you had this need to “fix” your dad because you desired emotional affection from him. I felt the same way about my ex husband. I always felt like I had to fix him. I felt that I was the only one that could fix him, because he made me feel that way.
Then finally one day when I finally got him fixed, he would love me the way Jesus explained a man should love his wife. In fact, I stayed with him for many years, anticipating that day, until I finally realized that I could not fix him. Can you please tell us about your feeling about the need to fix your dad? Please explain how you finally got through that.
Linda:
Every child is born with the need for love and affection. It is just built into our DNA. When a parent is not meeting those needs then the child feels it is their fault. A child will do whatever it takes to get that need fulfilled. And that is how we try to fix those who should love us. Everyone knows that fathers should love their children. The truth is that many fathers have no idea how to love their children. They did not get that love in their childhood so they have nothing to give.
My father abused me until I was about 12 ½ years old. At that point, I told him if he ever touched me I would kill him. And if I would have had a weapon, I know he would have been dead. There is no question in my mind that I was capable of killing him. I hated him for what he had done to me. But there was also a part of me that still loved him – that still longed for him to be the daddy I so desperately wanted him to be.
As I grew older, I had this insatiable need to try to “make” my father be the kind of father I always wanted to have. I had no idea that he was incapable of it. I simply knew that he was broken – he wasn’t a good daddy. My teen and early adult years were spent trying to change him. I have always had a spitfire kind of personality and I thought that obstacles in life could be knocked down and smashed. I used this same tactic on trying to fix my father.
The more he resisted changing the harder I pushed. I had a real love-hate relationship with my father. It wasn’t until in therapy, I was faced with the hard facts of who my father really was that I was finally able to see that he could not give me the love I so desperately wanted. My therapist was able to show me very clearly how my father fit the classic profile of a sociopath. I had been trying to get water from an empty well. He had nothing to give me. He was bankrupt in his ability to be a father.
That was such a hard realization for me to come to because even though I knew how much pain my father had caused me, I still in my heart felt that it was my fault. If I had not had been so needy then maybe he would not have abused me. If only I had been a better daughter then maybe he would not have abused me. I had to admit that at his inner core my father was a very evil man. I will never forget the day I was able to say those words out loud. I thought for sure God would send me straight to hell. My father had so successful succeeded in brainwashing me into thinking that he was the one who was good and I was bad.
I had to first of all physically distance myself from my father. Then I had to emotionally cut the ties that bound me to him. This was a long process and a heart wrenching one because even after I realized the full scope of what my father had stolen from me, there was a part of me that still felt like I could not live without him. I could not live if he would not give me his approval.
I had been so controlled for many years and it did not feel right to stand up to him. It took a lot of time for me to let go of the dysfunction that I had grown accustomed to as a child and embrace wholeness. The dysfunction was comfortable because it was what I was used to. I had no idea how to be normal.
The whole process of breaking that bondage I was in was a work of the Holy Spirit. I have no idea how you get from where I was to here. It shouldn’t be possible but here I am. Look what the Lord has done!
Viktorya:
Amen! Wow, this book has certainly opened my eyes a lot to things that I needed to know for myself. This has been a real eye opener and I am sure that your book will contiune to bless others that have been or is in your situation. This is only the first part to a series of interviews that I want to conduct with you. I pray that you have a blessed Thanksgiving. May God continue to bless you!
Please find more about Linda Fossen by visiting her website http://www.lindafossen.com
When I first approached you with the desire to do an interview, I simply felt that because you were a Christian author, you fit into my interest of people to interview. I just started doing interviews for Christian book writers. Your story is heart wrenching and truly an example of not only the Lord bringing someone out of the miry clay, but also placing them on the Potter’s wheel and perfecting a beautiful person both inside and out. I want to first thank you for your courage to make a difference in the lives of innocent children and sharing your most intimate aspects of your life to the entire world. It’s not an easy task but will always make us stronger!
I want to make this a conversational type of interview, if you don’t mind. I have learned so much about my own life and situations that I simply can’t just ask you questions. We have so much in common, that I know we can reach out in hope together, by just sharing our conversation.
Out of the Miry Clay is a must read book for any minister, pastor, teenager and quite frankly anyone who has been sexually abused. It depicts not only the horrific terror of childhood sexual abuse, but the unfailing love of the one true God, Jesus Christ.
The things that you had to endure by your own father, who was not only suppose to be a Christian man, but a pastor to God’s flock, is unimagineable. You have brought light into the dark world of deceit and shedding of innocent blood. I, myself hold no animosity towards Charles Phelps, but I am surely not going to sugar coat any of his sins towards you. One can only hope and pray that he truly repents before it is too late, because no one can fix him, but Jesus Christ.
In the first few chapters of Out of the Miry Clay you painted a picture of a seemingly normal family. Your mother was distant but a dutiful wife and mother. Your dad was a worker and appeared to be all he portrayed. Can you give the readers a little insight on your home life between the first time you were sexually abused by your dad at the age of 3 to the first time he raped you at the age of 8?
Linda:
I think one of the things that most people do not understand is that abuse occurs in seemingly very normal families – at least on the outside. My family looked like the perfect family on the outside but inside it was a totally different thing. I was born in a small farming community in southern Minnesota near the Iowa border. My first introduction to sexual abuse came when I was three years old. My father was recovering from back surgery and made up some games for us to play. I thought all little girls played these games with their daddies.
I had no earthly idea that I was being abused. In fact, I didn’t know what sexual abuse was, nor could I sell the words. All I knew is that I loved my daddy and wanted more than anything in the world for him to love me. I was always a daddy’s girl. I never bonded with my mother - she was just in shutdown mode from my earliest memories of her. But I was a daddy’s girl to the core.
The abuse started out seemingly so innocently, first as fondling and then it progressed to more and more perversion. When I was six years old, our whole family gave their hearts to Jesus. Sadly the abuse was to continue for many more years. At the age of eight, I was introduced to sexual intercourse. I had been groomed for years for this – it was just the next step in the years of abuse that I was to endure.
Viktorya:
My dad never sexually abused me, but it had always been the men that my mother brought into our lives. My dad always worked off for the military and their marriage was not the best. When you mentioned in your book about feeling you had to be the one to emotionally love and be affectionate towards your dad, it struck a chord with me. I can relate to this feeling. I guess it is a feeling of manipulation made by the abuser to make us feel bad if we aren’t showing them “love”. It is almost like they (or the act of abuse itself) make you feel inferior and pity towards them. I believe that it can also be considered a control tactic.
I felt that way a lot in the marriage to my ex husband. Can you elaborate a little on that feeling? I believe that most all woman and children who have been sexually abused feel or has felt this way, but can’t quite get in into words to make others understand. In fact this feeling alone has allowed Satan to condemn me so much, he made me feel like a whore. I also noticed how you explained it as feeling like playing the mother/daughter role. Please talk about this.
Linda:
In any dysfunctional family, each member of the family has a role to play. Dysfunction doesn’t occur in a vacuum, there is an elaborate plan set in place to make sure the dysfunction continues. In my family, I was the cheerleader. I was the one who made sure that everyone else in the family was doing their job. The goal was to make sure my father was happy.
I thought that if I could control my siblings, then somehow I could control the abuse, but it never works that way. My parents did not like each other at all. They did not fight with angry words or yelling matches. It was just a silent war that went on between them.
My mom was very much into housework and cooking but she did not do much of anything to be emotionally there for my father. She was just shutdown. She did not have to tell me but I got the message loud and clear that I was supposed to take care of my dad. It was my job. Whenever my father wanted to run errands or go to lunch, she would often send me telling me “you and your father are just alike – two peas in a pod. Go with your father.”
So in a very real way I was the emotional spouse for my father. I was the one who talked to him, went with him places and was his friend. In short, I was the one who was responsible to make him happy. My father used this to his advantage because he had a way of making me feel sorry for him. Even though he was abusing me, I often pitied him for his loveless marriage. My father was exceptionally good at manipulating me and he often made me feel that the only time I was being loved was when I was being abused.
There was no difference between love and sex. In my mind, they were the same. But they are not the same. Any abuser is a manipulator – that is how they continue to abuse. They become very calculated and everything they do or say is for one goal – to control the child to the point where they will willingly submit to your every wish. My father took great pains to make sure that I would “enjoy” the abuse – he treated me more like a mistress than a daughter.
It was extremely confusing. In time, my father completely controlled me – I was a slave to him. Because as a child I did not have the capacity to understand that he was evil, I did the next best thing and blamed myself for being evil. I thought it was all my fault.
Viktorya:
Another thing that I noticed is all throughout your book and as your story progressed from childhood to adulthood, you had this need to “fix” your dad because you desired emotional affection from him. I felt the same way about my ex husband. I always felt like I had to fix him. I felt that I was the only one that could fix him, because he made me feel that way.
Then finally one day when I finally got him fixed, he would love me the way Jesus explained a man should love his wife. In fact, I stayed with him for many years, anticipating that day, until I finally realized that I could not fix him. Can you please tell us about your feeling about the need to fix your dad? Please explain how you finally got through that.
Linda:
Every child is born with the need for love and affection. It is just built into our DNA. When a parent is not meeting those needs then the child feels it is their fault. A child will do whatever it takes to get that need fulfilled. And that is how we try to fix those who should love us. Everyone knows that fathers should love their children. The truth is that many fathers have no idea how to love their children. They did not get that love in their childhood so they have nothing to give.
My father abused me until I was about 12 ½ years old. At that point, I told him if he ever touched me I would kill him. And if I would have had a weapon, I know he would have been dead. There is no question in my mind that I was capable of killing him. I hated him for what he had done to me. But there was also a part of me that still loved him – that still longed for him to be the daddy I so desperately wanted him to be.
As I grew older, I had this insatiable need to try to “make” my father be the kind of father I always wanted to have. I had no idea that he was incapable of it. I simply knew that he was broken – he wasn’t a good daddy. My teen and early adult years were spent trying to change him. I have always had a spitfire kind of personality and I thought that obstacles in life could be knocked down and smashed. I used this same tactic on trying to fix my father.
The more he resisted changing the harder I pushed. I had a real love-hate relationship with my father. It wasn’t until in therapy, I was faced with the hard facts of who my father really was that I was finally able to see that he could not give me the love I so desperately wanted. My therapist was able to show me very clearly how my father fit the classic profile of a sociopath. I had been trying to get water from an empty well. He had nothing to give me. He was bankrupt in his ability to be a father.
That was such a hard realization for me to come to because even though I knew how much pain my father had caused me, I still in my heart felt that it was my fault. If I had not had been so needy then maybe he would not have abused me. If only I had been a better daughter then maybe he would not have abused me. I had to admit that at his inner core my father was a very evil man. I will never forget the day I was able to say those words out loud. I thought for sure God would send me straight to hell. My father had so successful succeeded in brainwashing me into thinking that he was the one who was good and I was bad.
I had to first of all physically distance myself from my father. Then I had to emotionally cut the ties that bound me to him. This was a long process and a heart wrenching one because even after I realized the full scope of what my father had stolen from me, there was a part of me that still felt like I could not live without him. I could not live if he would not give me his approval.
I had been so controlled for many years and it did not feel right to stand up to him. It took a lot of time for me to let go of the dysfunction that I had grown accustomed to as a child and embrace wholeness. The dysfunction was comfortable because it was what I was used to. I had no idea how to be normal.
The whole process of breaking that bondage I was in was a work of the Holy Spirit. I have no idea how you get from where I was to here. It shouldn’t be possible but here I am. Look what the Lord has done!
Viktorya:
Amen! Wow, this book has certainly opened my eyes a lot to things that I needed to know for myself. This has been a real eye opener and I am sure that your book will contiune to bless others that have been or is in your situation. This is only the first part to a series of interviews that I want to conduct with you. I pray that you have a blessed Thanksgiving. May God continue to bless you!
Please find more about Linda Fossen by visiting her website http://www.lindafossen.com
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Interview with Shon Hyneman: Christian Relationship Expert
Viktorya: As I was reading the introduction to your book , If You Apply These Principles… , I noticed in the introduction you mentioned a quote by Zig Ziglar. Tell us the quote and what it means to you. How do you define success? How can a family be a successful unit? Please give examples.
Shon: Zig defines success as “The maximum utilization of the ability that you have.” I thought that was the closest definition to success as possible. What I got out of his definition is when you use your gifts and talents (whatever they are) to impact someone life in a positive, unforgettable way.
My Pastor back home in Cleveland has had an unforgettable impact on me. He was the first father figure to me and he showed me how to become a better Christian in my everyday life. Not only did he teach me but he showed me also.
A family can be a successful unit by everyone (in the household) being a positive example to those who are around them. A family is headed in the right direction when other family members start to ask you questions about how to be and do better for their family.
Viktorya: I also noticed that you mentioned your father in your introduction. Is there a reason why you mentioned him there? Also, thanks for the excerpt from your book “It’s The Woman You Gave Me.” I may have answered my own question, but how do you use those experiences with your absent family (of many years) to inspire others?
Shon: I mentioned him because I wanted the reader to know something that bothered me as a person growing up and how I had to fight through dealing with my father’s past and how it affected me. I tell people to keep a relationship with their children even if they don’t live in the same household. My dad had another family without me knowing. My sisters and I all looked alike but never would have known them until the funeral.
Some men have a child with this woman and that woman, and then he marries someone else in another state, therefore having multiple kids in different places. I joked around with my wife before we got married and used to tell her “make sure we aren’t brother and sister because we never know who we are related to until a funeral…”
Viktorya: When you first mentioned to me (on eHow) that you wanted to send me a book, I thought it was a book strictly about tips for relationships for couples, mainly. I found that there is a lot of foundational and useful information for any relationship. Not to mention other helpful advice. Can you give us a brief outline of If You Apply These Principles… ?
Shon: The book is about God’s principles and how we should follow them. Most people don’t understand how practical God is. For example Prov. 16:3 says “Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established.” So without getting deep this scripture says to me if I work for the Lord my plans will come to pass. It doesn’t mean that I have to work for my church in order for my plans to come to pass.
Working for the Lord is being obedient to his word at ALL times weather at work, school or at the mall. We call it being “on duty.” For the latter part of that scripture says “your plans will be established.” Now if my plan is to open strip clubs because I know that I can make a lot of money, will God establish that, no. But he will establish something like a group home for pregnant unwed mothers who made a mistake in thinking that they would have never gotten pregnant. So we see the practicality of God with scriptures like Prov.16:3.
Viktorya: Can you break down your concept of “regaining order in one’s life”, like you did in your book. Please implement the sports examples. I thought that it was an awesome way to show comparisons.
Shon: The Bible says that everything should be done in decency and in order. Order keeps you from being all over the place mentally and physically. When there is not order there is confusion, who wants to be confused? If you are a sports fan then this is the book for you because there are so many parallels to sports and life. For example I talk about how important a quarterback and wide receiver relationship is.
It’s the same way in a marriage if the quarterback loses confidence in his receiver because he had a few dropped balls; the QB still has to trust the WR even when the WR is having a bad game. Same way in a marriage: if you are having a bad week, don’t give up on him just because he had a few “dropped balls” or he has dropped the ball in some areas of his life. Don’t give up on him; just keep throwing him the ball to build his confidence back.
Viktorya: I love the quarterback/wide reciever example. It is so true! Please explain the importance of disciplining your children. Describe discipline.
Shon: Discipline is when you don’t feel like doing something but does it anyway. It’s being proactive. Disciplining your children is vital to their growth as a person. God disciplines his children (read Heb. 12) to make them better. Disciplining your children don’t always have to be with a switch; it can be taking away their T.V. or ipod from them. But when all else fails…get the belt. God is for spanking, (when your child have done wrong or been disobedient) read throughout the book of Proverbs.
There are so many adults who wished that their parents spanked them for doing wrong when they were growing up, because now as adults they realize that everything will not be given to them to pacify them just because they had a tantrum as an adult. It worked as a child and the parents thought it was ok, but it became a pattern throughout their childhood to being an adult.
Viktorya: What do you understand about headship and please explain Godly headship in a home. Why is this important?
Shon: Godly headship is when you have integrity and consistency and can be depended upon by your family. It’s important because you breed what happens in the home to the children and wife. What happens in the home come out in public over time. For example when my daughter was in daycare I used to see little boys punching the girls, now where does a 3 yr old get that behavior from? Or the wife who is abandoned from her husband mentally and physically, he is still present in the home but the mental and physical is far away from her.
After time passes what does the wife do? She haves an affair with her co-worker. She knows it is wrong, but her needs were not being met. I wish men understood the impact that they have in the home.
Viktorya: That is so true in many cases. Some of us just grown dull and bitter, like I did. It’s a hard place to be. What are the most important things to a man when it comes to expectations of his wife (or partner)?
Shone: Sex, respect and a healthy fear of God. She can be Halle Berry, but if she lacks these three main ingredients there will be problems.
Sex: Because we are men, we simply need it. (Especially when she takes care of herself physically). She is all we have.
Respect: Because no man likes a woman who can’t control her tongue. Most women miss this and belittle him by not watching what she says. Know why some men go to strip clubs? The stripper tells him what he wants to hear with very little clothes on. (I told a friend of mines one time “if you want your husband to take out the trash, put a thong on and some make up). Men are visual.
Fear of God: When she fears God a man don’t have to worry about her if she is doing something she shouldn’t. If she does, then that is between her and God. Some men try to control their wife life by watching everything they do. If she is going to do something wrong she is going to do it and you cannot control her if you are her boyfriend or her husband.
Viktorya: I can agree and believe it or not, many woman do understand, but like your book says, sometimes we don’t actually “do-it” for our own spouse; even as we know we should or that it is the right thing to do. What is your opinion (from a male point-of-view) about a woman’s expectations of her husband (or partner). I want to bring Londina in on this, as well.
Shon: The sad thing about this question is that most men don’t have a clue that is why most marriages fail. Her expectation of a man is to provide, love and to protect her.
Provide: The necessities of food and shelter (and occasional shopping for herself. lol!)
Protect: From the dangers of life; like other men (who wants to use her) and people who don’t have her best interest. To hold her in his arms when she is hurt.
Love: To protect her heart from anymore heartbreak. To know that he loves her unconditionally.
Viktorya: These are questions for Londina. What are some ways that a woman can reverence her husband. What are some of the most important ways? Also, what is important to her in regards to what her husband should do for her?
Londina: The Bible says for Wives to “respect their own Husbands.”
-First, accept, be obedient and trust God when he said that the man is the head of the woman and Christ is the head of man. (Eph 5:23) To focus on the husbands strengths and not his weaknesses. To praise him and appreciate him for all the things he does as a husband and father. Speak to him respectfully (never talk down to him). A man’s home should be a place of rest, safety and being built up. There are too many things tearing him down outside the home.
-A Wife should be a crown to her husband (prov. 12:4) Crown means “to encircle for protection.” When you respect your husband you protect his mind, heart, ego and vision from being broken. Respect makes his home a place of restoration. The Bible tells husbands to love his wife as Christ loves the church. (Eph 5:25) A woman needs her husband to speak good things into her life. She needs him to desire her and not to do it just because he is supposed to, but because he wants too. She needs to be the closest one to him after God.
Viktorya: When you say a woman needs to feel protected by her husband, what exactly do you mean?
Londina: A woman needs to feel protected by her husband means that he will not tear her down and he won’t allow anyone else to. A husband and wife should build each other up.
Viktorya: Why is it important for Christ to be the center of a marriage and family?
Londina: God created marriage and he is the only one who knows how to make it work. God is the only one who knows everyone’s heart and how to change them. God must be the center of every marriage in order for it to work.
Example:
When I fix my daughter’s hair in twisted ponytails (2 parts) and barrettes and send her to school she looks so cute and beautiful. When I pick her up from school most of her barrettes are gone and her hair is messy. When I braid her hair (3 parts) with beads she is just as cute and beautiful. But when I pick her up from school her hair is just as beautiful as when I dropped her off at school. As a matter of fact it stays together for a couple of weeks!
Even when I wash it (her hair). See, a twist takes two parts of hair twisted together. This represents husband and wife trying to make the marriage work alone. The marriage ends up unraveling. The braid takes three parts of hair braided together and is very strong and hard to come apart. The three parts represents husband, wife and most important God. When you keep God in the center of your marriage it will be strong, beautiful and last till death do you apart.
Viktorya: Where do you see your ministry in about 5 years?
Shon: I see Never Again Ministries going around the U.S. doing marriage and family seminars and retreats along with selling books, DVDS and CDS of the seminars and class sessions.
Viktorya: Are you planning on writing anymore books? Please explain.
Shon: Sure! My new book which is due late September 2009, entitled “It’s the Woman You Gave Me” is about why we play the blame game in our marriages, relationships or blame our parents and our past hurts and disappointments for our current issues now. Originally I planned on releasing a book every September for the next five years. I have five books in the chamber waiting to get out. I might not be able to do it with me being in school (I am going to a Christian college to get my degree in marriage and family counseling) now. I have two books with collaborations with two very knowledgeable men of God.
They are: Hurt by the Church.
(Collaboration) Sometimes people in the church are worst than the people on the streets. Why is that?
Can you handle me? (Collaboration) Should a man tell his wife everything that goes on in his mind? Even if he needs her help in a certain area? You sure you want to know?
The Initiator. If your marriage is on the rocks, who is going to be the initiator to help save the marriage? Are you willing to be the initiator for your marriage? God was the initiator for mankind when he sent his only Son to die for us although we didn’t deserve it.
Viktorya: What other books do you have available? Is anyone allowed to get a free print of If You Apply These Principles… ? If so, how?
Shon: If You Apply These Principles… was my first book. Sorry, there will be no more free copies of my book. I just ran some free copies on ehow.com to the first 5 people who wanted to hear what I had to say…
If you want to email me send it to arizonashon@aol.com or to purchase a copy of my first book go to neveragainministries.weebly.com. Also, for the new book “It’s the Woman You Gave Me” is due out September 3, 2009. You can purchase that book on yorkshirepublishing.com where I will be the feature author of the month.
Viktorya: Is there anything else that you or Londina may want to address?
Shon: No, thanks for the opportunity to interview us!
Viktorya: Oh thank you all. I am sure that a lot of us can take your advice! Oh before I forget, it’s interesting that you are from Cleveland, Ohio. Yet are now in Mesa, Arizona. What a big contrast! Why the move? Also, my family lives close to you all. They are in Tucson, Az.
Shon: Job opportunities and my mother in law planned on moving and retiring
Viktorya: That is great! What an awesome opportunity to have interviewed you all. I look forward to many more opportunities and keep us updated on your ministry. God bless you and your family!
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